last night i had a dream. about someone i knew and someone i knew i was going to meet. i desired to live this life and yet i feared it. i wondered if this was the type of dream that predicted the future. because in the dream i was genuinely happy. i was having fun. i felt exhiliration. almost...unreal. let us see where life will take us.
seriously though, i miss you. everytime i see you, you make me smile from my heart. i wish you knew how i felt and secretly, selfishly...i wish you felt the same way. but your happiness is all that matters to me, not my possession. i don't need to own you. some could say this is what love is. and i know that no matter how much i "love" you, i won't be able to bring you the happiness that you deserve. which is why making you be with me, although quite impossible, is just plain selfish. you make me laugh and i know i make you laugh but that's all it's ever going to be. exchanged smiles and helpful hands. i'm sorry and i hope you'll find someone and be happy.
i was just watching a few of lady gaga's live performances and i realized just how damn talented she is, not only in her singing, but also her ability to influence many with her odd fashion sense and artistic endeavors. it just got me thinking how people can have such ambition in life. how anyone can want something so bad that they can achieve it. there are so many people that want to be a certain way so bad but their circumstance never changes. how do they do it? how do they excel when others are trying just as hard? if not harder?
today i stumbled upon a photo of you and it took me a while to realize i was staring at the same person i used to know. it was then that i realized how much of a stranger you were and are to me, but the sense of abandonment you left me with still lingered in my chest and i became afraid. i didn't feel at ease anymore with where i was. i felt a little trapped, a little vulnerable, and a little lost. avoiding you is proving to be way harder than i thought. i still haven't forgiven you and i don't think i ever will. as long as you're alive, i will never be truly happy. i just really fucking hate you.
currently blenzing with a friend. there's a real sense of freedom being able to go through an entire day and then calm down and relax at a coffee shop until you're just ready to leave. i just wish starbucks was open 24/7.
i really should be doing homework, but my past experiences here have not proven to be productive...merp.
lately, i've been looking at pictures of random ulzzangs. so ulzzang was originally a concept from southern korea to try to depict girls to be wide-eyed, innocent, and naturaly cute/hot/sexy but the concept kinda changed when it got to china and vietnam heck, even korea's churning out their own twisted looks on the ulzzang concept. their look fascinates me and scares me at the same time. it just proves how little we can trust display pictures to truly depict a person's looks. and the power of make-up, angles, and lighting.
just a few examples of ulzzangs that are cute...and their before pictures:
after make-up:
before make-up:
so i've decided that i will start using my blogspot account mainly for photos. so in order to post photos, i'll have to take photos. and in order to take photos, i'll need a camera, which i currently do not have. so until i get a camera, my blogspot account will remain inactive.
maybe then i can do some ulzzang-ing of myself~ bwahahaha!
i thought you'd be different. i was going to start a friendship based on accountability. but you proved to me you were no more like the rest.
alas, i'm left alone. it's like i just broke up with someone who i was never with.
these few windy, rainy, powerless vancouver days have left me so dim. like there's nothing to do because of the state of the weather because of the state of the weather and its affect on my emotions.
i feel like i've been someone left behind by my friends, to have their own lives, spending time with their significant others, forgetting that once it's over, there's always me to turn to. i'm always here with a free shoulder, i'm always here with the helping hand.
i know that i have no right to stop people from being happy but... please don't forget me... i'm so lost when people don't want me. when people don't call me. when people don't need to see me. or when people don't have a need for me at all. life is so purpose-less that way.
i fucking hate you on this gloomy thursday afternoon.
